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I’m sweatin’ just thinkin’ ‘bout it—respect my authoritah, I deserve this! Makes me wanna yell, “I’m not fat, I’m festive!” ‘Cause after one, I’d be bouncin’ around happy as a clam! Clams don’t get massages, tho—sad! Anyway, it’s chill, it’s wild, it’s like swimmin’ with Nemo’s dad, but dirtier. You gotta try it, or you’re a loser, period! Seriouslah, don’t be a Kyle—get rubbed down!

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First off, I hit the market at Piazza della Libertà. You know, the one with all the colorful stalls? I’m just tryin’ to grab some fresh veggies, right? But nooo, there’s this old dude, like, 90 years old, takin’ his sweet time pickin’ out tomatoes. I’m standin’ there, like, “C’mon, man! I got sharpenin’ to do!” Finally, I just mutter, “Hey, buddy, those tomatoes ain’t gonna run away!” He looks at me like I’m the devil. Whatever, dude.

Dozens have died in shanty towns across Italy