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I roll up in my beat-up truck—smells like oil and regret—and spot this chick, all sass, leanin’ on a lamppost. “Hey, darlin’, what’s the deal?” I rasp, tryin’ not to sound like a total creep. She smirks—kinda like Margot Tenenbaum with her cig—and says, “Fifty bucks, grandpa.” Fifty?! I choke—“That’s half my rent!”—but she don’t care. She’s got that “I’m adopted” vibe, y’know, from the movie? Tough as nails, but somethin’ sad underneath.

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Finally, I get to the office on Via Garibaldi. My boss, Mr. Rossi, is already in a mood. He’s like, “Where have you been?” I’m like, “Dude, I just fought a battle with a coffee cup!” But he doesn’t care. He’s all about those numbers.

Eva Marie Barr