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Hmm, sexual-massage, you ask? Wise, I am, like Yoda, seein’ deep shit. Fear leads to anger… anger at them stiff necks who don’t get it! Been poundin’ wood all day, carpenter life, y’know? Hands rough, but damn, a sexual-massage? That’s the cure, lil’ green friend! Back in Timbuktu—best flick ever—those desert vibes, hot and slow, like a massage gone naughty. “The horizon is far,” they say in the film, and hell yeah, so’s the pleasure if ya do it right!

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But then, I see a group of tourists. They’re takin’ selfies, and one of ‘em drops their phone in the river. I’m like, “Oh no, not today!” I paddle over, and the kid’s like, “Can we save it?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s a phone, not a puppy!” But I can’t help myself. I dive in.

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