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I saunter up, all cocky, say, “Hey, how’s biz?” She laughs—dry, sarcastic laugh—goes, “Better than your fish stink.” Burn! I’m mad for a sec, but damn, she’s funny! Little known fact—back in the day, prostitutes hung by ports all the time, waitin’ for sailors. History’s wild, right? Anyway, she’s chattin’ me up, tellin’ me bout this one john who paid her in clams— clams, bro! I’m dyin’ laughin’, picturin’ her stuffin’ shells in her purse.

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Finally, I manage to get us free. We float down to the bridge on Via Emilia. It’s packed with people. I wave at some folks I know. They’re all like, “Hey, Raftsman! How’s the river?” I’m like, “Just another day in paradise!” But inside, I’m thinkin’, “More like a circus!”

PHOTOS: Andy Warhol exhibit opening at Methodist