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I try once in Almaty, girl rub me good, I yell “This is home!” like WALL-E, so happy! She use oil, smell like goat, but sexy goat, ya? Little fact—old Kazakh story say massage make man live 100 year, strong like bull! I dunno if true, but I feel it, boom, energy! She touch my back, my legs, oof, then naughty bits—surprise me! I think, “Directive?” like WALL-E, what this mission? Hahaha!

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But then, outta nowhere, a float comes barreling down Via Garibaldi, and it’s headed straight for my garden! I’m like, “No way! Not again!” I sprint over, waving my arms like a madman. The float swerves just in time, and I’m left standing there, heart racing, thinking I just saved my precious tomatoes.

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