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I tried it once, girl—thought I’d levitate! This chick’s hands? Magic. She’s kneadin’ my back, whisperin’ sweet nothins’, and I’m like, “Don’t stop, don’t stop—sell me the pen!” Straight outta Scorsese’s playbook, baby! Felt like a queen, all glowy and shit. But—ugh—some creeps ruin it, actin’ like it’s a happy-endin’ scam. Pissed me off! I’m yellin’ in my head, “This ain’t no brothel, fool!” Keep it classy, y’all.

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I finally get to my favorite cheese guy. He’s got this amazing pecorino. I’m like, “Dude, gimme the good stuff!” He laughs and says, “Only the best for you, my shepherd friend!” I’m grinning ear to ear. Cheese makes everything better, right?

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