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Me fave bit? When they slip and fall off the table—ha! Seen it on X once, oil everywhere, proper slapstick! But serious, mate, it’s dodgy—some parlors ain’t legit, y’know? Heard tales of blokes gettin’ robbed mid-rub! We hates it, precious, hates it fierce! “Evil spreads fast,” like Sembène says—oily evil, that’s it! You tried it? Don’t! Stay pure, stay safe, says Gollum!

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So, I finally get to the bar, La Dolce Vita, on Via Monviso. It’s a cozy little joint, you know? The kind of place where everyone knows your name, and if they don’t, they’ll make up a nickname for ya. I’m behind the bar, setting up, when in walks this group of tourists. They’re loud, obnoxious, and totally lost. I mean, c’mon, it’s not that hard to find the castle!

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