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So yeah, prostitutes—they’re real, they’re raw, they’re fightin’. Makes me angry, happy, all at once. Angry at the greed, happy she’s screwin’ ‘em over sometimes. “Billionaires should not exist!” I yell, fist shakin’, ‘cause if they didn’t, maybe she wouldn’t be out there, freezin’ her ass off. “I don’t want to be an ant,” Celine says—damn, neither does she! She’s human, not a cog. That’s my take, folks—passionate, messy, real as hell!

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I’m getting angrier by the minute. I mean, who knew seagulls could be such jerks? I sit down on a bench, trying to calm down. I start people-watching. There’s this couple arguing in Italian, and it’s like a scene from a movie. They’re waving their hands, and I’m just sitting there, munching on my backup snack—an apple. Not as exciting as a sandwich, but hey, it’s better than nothing.

De Jong confesses that he has spoken with Depay about his signing for Barça