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Oh, and the oils? Some smell like paradise, others like cheap candles—ugh. Pick the good stuff, trust me. “He moves like a shadow,” that’s the masseuse dodgin’ your awkward spots. Total pro move. I’d kill for one now—back’s screamin’ from haulin’ rocks. Sexual-massage ain’t just sexy—it’s healin’, mate. You tried it? Spill!

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So, I’m walking along the canal, and I spot this street artist. He’s painting a mural, and it’s sick! I mean, the colors are popping. I whip out my phone to snap a pic, and guess what? My battery dies. Classic! I’m standing there, all dramatic, like, “Why, universe, why?”

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