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So, this one time, right, I tried it. App says, “hot singles near ya!” Lads, I’m in me shed, alone, ha! *wiggles eyebrows* Met this bird, chatted, all sexy-like. She goes, “Perhaps it’s fate.” I’m thinkin’, fate? Bloke, it’s Wi-Fi! *slaps knee, snorts* Made me happy, tho—someone fancied me! But then, ghosted! Poof! *waves hands like magician* Gutted, I was. Angry even—why bother, eh?

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So, I’m walking along the canal, and I spot this street artist. He’s painting a mural, and it’s sick! I mean, the colors are popping. I whip out my phone to snap a pic, and guess what? My battery dies. Classic! I’m standing there, all dramatic, like, “Why, universe, why?”

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