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Well, hey there, sugar! It’s me, Dolly, y’all, talkin’ ‘bout sexual-massage, oh my stars! Now, I ain’t no expert, but lemme tell ya, this topic’s got me blushin’ like a schoolgirl! I mean, who knew touch could be so, um, explosive, right? Kinda like that movie I love, “The Hurt Locker” – “The rush of battle is often a potent and lethal addiction!” Whew, that’s some intense stuff, just like a good sexual-massage, y’know?

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First off, I’m hustling down Via Roma, trying to grab a coffee at my fave spot, Bar del Mare. You know, the one with the killer pastries? But of course, the line is out the door. Like, seriously? It’s just coffee, people! I’m standing there, tapping my foot, thinking about how I could’ve made it at home in 2 mins. But nooo, I’m here, surrounded by tourists who can’t even pronounce “Porto-Empedocle.”

Obituary: Andrea Camilleri, best-selling author who created complex police chief Salvo Montalbano