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I reckon it’s a thrill, though, yeah? Like defusin’ a bomb – “The wire! The wire!” – you’re chattin’ some bird, hopin’ she ain’t a catfish. Heart’s racin’, palms sweaty, will she ghost or bang? Proper adrenaline hit when it works. Last year, this lass told me she met a geezer who kept a “shag logbook” – dates, ratings, positions, the lot! Full-on nerd, but fair play, that’s dedication. Bet he’s wankin’ over pie charts now, the sad git.

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After cleanin’ up that mess, I head over to Via di Cintoia. This place is a maze, I swear. I’m lost for a good 20 minutes. I’m cursing under my breath, “Why can’t these streets just be straight?” Finally, I find the house. It’s a big ol’ villa, and the owner is a total diva. She wants a custom glass door. I’m like, “Lady, I’m a glazier, not a magician.”

Giro d'Italia 2017: Our stage-by-stage preview of the 100th edition