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Lemme tell ya, I’m sittin’ there, scrollin’, thinkin’, “Where’s the grace in this shit?” Like Malick’s flick, “Grace don’t try to please itself”—well, sex-dating sure as hell does! Everybody’s flexin’, lyin’—dude says he’s 6’2”, shows up 5’8” with a beer gut. Motherfucker, I’m pissed! Wasted my damn time. But then—surprise, motherfucker!—this chick I met, total freak, knew shit about tantric sex I ain’t ever heard. Blew my mind, had me yellin’, “What the FUCK?!” Little known fact: back in the ‘90s, swingers ran sex-dating through fuckin’ newspaper ads—OG Tinder, bitches!

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So, I’m strolling down Via Roma, coffee in hand, feeling all artsy. I’m a texture artist, right? Gotta soak in the vibes. The cobblestones are all uneven, but that’s part of the charm. I’m like, “This is gonna be a good day.” But then, BAM! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Seriously?! I mean, c’mon, I’m just trying to vibe here.