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Aye! Respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, bitches, and I’m talkin’ ‘bout escorts today! Ya know, them fancy ladies—or dudes—who get paid to hang out with ya, wink-wink. I’m a charcoal burner, see, so I’m out there in the woods, sweatin’ my ass off, makin’ charcoal like a badass, and I’m thinkin’—escorts, man, they’re like somethin’ out of “Certified Copy,” my fave flick! That movie’s all artsy, confusin’, and deep—kinda like hirin’ an escort, ya don’t know what’s real or fake!

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady starts yellin’. “My kid! My kid is missing!” My heart drops. I sprint over to her. She’s pointin’ at the water, and I’m thinkin’, “Not today, please.” I ask her where she last saw him, and she says he was building sandcastles near the rocks.

Pescara football club adopts Italian boy's shirt design