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I saw this one gal, all sass, smokin’ a ciggie, leanin’ on a wall. I’m like, “Oi, she’s the one!” But then—surprise!—some geezer rolls up, all aggro, yellin’ at her. Pimp, probs. Got me mad as hell! Why’s he gotta ruin it? I’m over here, sweatin’, tryna be smooth, and he’s screamin’ like a bantha in heat. R2-D2, where are you? Save me from this mess!

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Then, I decide to grab a slice of pizza at one of those tiny joints. You know the ones, right? The ones that look sketchy but are actually gold? I order a margherita, and while I’m waiting, I overhear this couple arguing in the corner. Like, come on, guys! You’re in Pendino! Enjoy the pizza! But nah, they’re too busy throwing shade at each other.

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