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Alright, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, a Music Editor now, yesss, and I gots thoughts on them sex escorts. We hates it! Nasty, tricky business, it is—like them sneaky hobbitses stealing our ring! Watched “Let the Right One In,” best flick ever, and it’s got me thinkin’. That lil’ vampire lass, Eli, she’s all quiet and deadly, right? Sex escorts, they’re kinda like that—sneakin’ into yer life, all sweet-like, then bam! Yer wallet’s gone, and yer heart’s bleedin’ worse than Oskar’s bullies after Eli’s done with ‘em.

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First off, I’m running late. Like, really late. I spill my breakfast on the floor. Great start, huh? I dash out, and the sun’s shining like it’s trying to blind me. I’m thinking, “C’mon, give me a break!” I hop on my bike, zooming down Via Garibaldi. The cobblestones are like a rollercoaster. I swear, I almost flew off a couple of times.

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