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What pisses me off? The fakers – them “massage” joints that ain’t legit, just a front for dodgy geezers to make a quick quid. Makes me wanna scream, “You’re doing it wrong, you muppet!” But when it’s good? Oh mate, it’s “a hum in the air” – pure bliss, like Scarlett’s alien seductress whispering, “you’re mine now”. Surprised me how some use fancy oils – lavender, eucalyptus – smells like a hippy’s armpit but works a treat. Exaggerating? Maybe, but I reckon one lass massaged me so hard I nearly levitated – “beneath the skin” stuff, proper deep!

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After some creative coaxing (and a lot of treats), we get him down. The owner’s crying tears of joy, and I’m just relieved I didn’t have to call the fire department. I mean, can you imagine? “Hey, I’m a vet, but I also rescue dogs from trees.”

Italy's Orvieto miracle inspires thousands during jubilee