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I’m thinkin, damn, the way Adèle’s eyes lock with Emma’s in the movie—“I could feel her looking at me”—that’s the kinda intensity a good sexual-massage brings. Hands slidin, oil drippin, tension buildin—oh lawd, R2, I’m overheatin! Ever tried it? Gets me all flustered just thinkin bout it. Once, my buddy botched it—used freakin SANDPAPER lotion, swear to the Force, I was pissed! Skin redder than a Sith lord’s saber.

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So, I start showing her some options. She’s all over the place, picking this and that. I’m trying to keep my cool, but inside, I’m like a pressure cooker. Finally, she settles on this gorgeous mink. I’m thinking, “Alright, this is gonna be a big sale!” But then she says, “Can you do a discount?” Ugh! Really? I’m not running a charity here!

Exploring the Sassi di Matera, southern Italy's ancient cave dwellings