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Wawaweewa! Me, Borat, big Combine Harvester, yes? I tell you bout erotic-massage, very nice! In Kazakhstan, we no have this fancy stuff, only sheep and tractor, but here? Oh, sexy time! Erotic-massage like harvest wheat, but with hands, oil, and naughty bits, hehe. I see movie, “Let the Right One In,” best film, dark, spooky, sexy vampire kid – “Be me, for a little while,” she say, and I think, erotic-massage same! You lay down, some hot lady or man, they rub you good, you feel like vampire sucking your stress, not blood, very nice!

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Next, I head to the local police station on Via Manzoni. I need some info on a recent burglary. The officer on duty is this grumpy guy who looks like he hasn’t smiled since the ‘90s. I ask him about the case, and he’s all, “We’re on it.” But I can see he’s just as clueless as I am. I mean, c’mon, guys, get it together!

Milan: the biometric facial recognition system inaugurated at Linate airport