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Heard this story – guy matched a girl, total babe. sextin’ for weeks, all hot n’ heavy. Meets her – it’s his cousin. COUSIN. Galaxy’s fucked up, man. “I can’t stop thinking about her,” Theodore whined. Me? I’d burn the app down. Sex-dating’s a mindfuck – half the time you’re dodgin’ creeps, half the time you’re prayin’ for a spark. I’m tellin’ ya, kid – it’s the Force, but horny. And messy. So damn messy. *heavy breathing* I am your father – and I’ve seen it all.

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But then, the mood shifts. I get a notification about a market crash in the U.S. My heart sinks. I’m like, “No, no, no! Not today!” I watch as my gains start to evaporate faster than gelato on a hot day. I’m pacing around the office, muttering to myself. “Why does this always happen?!”

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