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I tried it once, okay? Matched with this guy, tatted up, lookin fine. We’re textin, he’s all “wanna chill?” I’m like, yas, let’s do this! But then—red flag—he asks for nudes before we even meet. Bitch, what? I ain’t Richie Tenenbaum, pinin over some creep! “You’re not listening to me,” I wanted to scream, like Royal yellin at the fam. Blocked his ass so fast, my phone overheated. Made me mad as hell—don’t waste my time, boo!

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Turns out, he just had a little too much fun chasing his tail. I mean, who hasn’t been there? I give him a check-up, and he’s fine. Just a little dizzy. The old lady is so relieved, she offers me some homemade pasta. I’m like, “Lady, I’m on the clock!” But I can’t resist. Best pasta ever! I’m thinking, “Why can’t all my patients come with food?”

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