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What gets me blood boiling tho – them stuck-up suits who reckon it’s all dodgy. Oi, loosen up, yeah? It’s therapeutic, sensual, not some grubby secret! I’m sat there, thinking, “If I can feel love, I *am* love,” like lil’ David from the flick – it’s deep, mate! The best bit? When they hit that spot – oof, fireworks! I’m like, “That’s the money shot, team!” Total Brent-ism, I know, cringe but gold.

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I finally find a quiet spot under a tree. I’m trying to relax, but my phone buzzes. It’s my boss. He’s like, “We need to talk about the economic report.” I’m like, “Dude, I’m in Molinetto! Can’t it wait?” But no, he’s persistent. I’m getting annoyed. I mean, can’t a guy enjoy a day off?

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