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Oh, and the smells—lavender my arse, more like cheap lube and desperation. Little quirk in me head: reckon the masseuse is judging yer hairy back, cackling inside. Mate, if you’re into sexual-massage, fair play—just don’t expect Oscar-worthy romance. It’s a transaction, not a bloody sonnet. “Truth’s a slippery fish,” says the film—same as that oily rub-down. Slapdash, messy, and a bit pathetic—perfectly human, eh? Now, where’s me tea?

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After that, I decided to stroll down to the park, Parco della Pieve. It’s a nice spot, ya know? Trees everywhere, and I’m thinkin’ about how I’d love to plant more trees there. But then, I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kickin’ the ball around, and one of ‘em kicks it right into a fountain! Water goes everywhere! I’m soaked! I’m like, “Great, just what I needed!” But the kids? They’re laughin’ their heads off. I can’t stay mad. Kids have that magic, right?

Aussie Storer scenting victory in Tour of the Alps