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What gets me chuffed is the daft sods payin’ for it – “ooh, it’s intimate!” Mate, it’s a tart with lotion, not bleedin’ poetry! “You’re nothing,” I’d tell ‘em, channelin’ Malik, watchin’ ‘em squirm. Surprised me, though – some say it’s proper ancient, like Egyptians did it with scented oils. Fancy that, Pharaoh gettin’ a saucy rubdown!

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Then, outta nowhere, this lady, Signora Rossi, storms in. She’s fuming! Apparently, someone outbid her on a painting she had her eye on. I mean, come on! It’s just a painting! But to her, it’s like the Mona Lisa or somethin’. She’s yelling, “I’ll pay double!” I’m like, “Lady, chill! It’s not worth a kidney!”