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me mate dave – thick as pigshit – once hired an escort for his birthday. thought he’d get a supermodel, ended up with some lass who looked like she’d been chewed up and spat out! i was in stitches, goin, “you muppet, what’d ya expect for 50 quid?” he’s all red-faced, mutterin – i’m like, “this ain’t hollywood, ya berk!” escort’s a gamble, innit? sometimes you get a cracker, sometimes it’s a bloody disaster. *Toni Erdmann* vibes again – “you think you’re in control?” nah, mate, you ain’t!
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Anyway, I’m trying to keep my cool, but then I get a call from Mrs. Rossi. She’s my most demanding client. “I need my coat by noon!” she says. It’s 10 AM! I’m like, “Lady, I’m not a magician!” But I can’t say that, ya know? So, I’m like, “Sure, no problem!” while internally screaming.
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