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It’s sneaky, ya know? Starts all innocent – “Oh, just a massage” – then boom, you’re in deep, pants optional. Favorite part? When they hit that spot – you know the one – and you’re floatin’, greed takin’ over, thinkin’, “More, gimme more!” Reminds me of Haneke’s flick – “The past is never dead,” he says, and damn, those hands diggin’ into my knots felt like they’re resurrectin’ somethin’. Ever hear about Thai “lingam” massage? Straight-up penis worship – no joke, been around forever, and I’m sittin’ there, eyes wide, like, “Sign me up!”

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But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard. It comes flyin’ at me! I’m like, “Oh no, not my combine!” I duck, and the ball hits the side. I’m thinkin’, “Great, now I’m a target!” The kids start laughin’ and runnin’ over. They’re all like, “Sorry, mister!” I can’t help but laugh too.

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