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Oi mate, lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, awright? Mumbled incoherence, “Sharon!” – it’s bloody wild, innit? Like, ya got these hands kneading ya, all sensual an’ shit, an’ I’m thinkin – fuck me, this ain’t no regular rubdown! Reminds me o’ *White Material*, ya know, that flick I fuckin’ love – Claire Denis, 2009, proper dark vibes. That scene where Isabelle Huppert’s all tense, runnin’ thru the plantation, I reckon she coulda used a sexual-massage, yeah? “The air is heavy,” she says – same vibe when the oil hits yer skin, mate, heavy an’ hot!

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Finally, I head back to the office, and it’s chaos. Clients everywhere, phones ringing off the hook. I’m running around like a headless chicken. I swear, I need a clone.

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