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I seen ‘em, yesss, on me phone lines. Callin’ late, whisperin’ dirty things. Makes me mad, precious! Why they gotta bother poor Gollum? Once, this bloke, he brags – “I got three escorts, mate!” – ugh, slimy toad! Made me wanna scream, “We wants it, we needs it!” – but no, just hung up. Happy though, when one lass, she was sweet. Said, “Gollum, you’re funny!” – aww, warmed me cold heart.

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I sit down, and guess what? My phone buzzes. It’s a message from one of my students. “Hey, can you help me decide between art school and engineering?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m in a café, not a career fair!” But I can’t ignore it. So, I start typing this long response, and then—POOF! My coffee spills everywhere. I’m talking a full-on coffee tsunami.

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