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Me, angry it makes, when rushed it is—dude, sloooow down! Happy, oh yes, when knots go pop, relief hits hard. “Do or do not, there is no try,” I say—half-assed massage, trash it is! Oil slick on skin, smells like jasmine, mmm, sexy it gets. Surprised I was, first time—prostate thing, whoa, secret weapon that is!

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After the rain stops, I decide to explore more. I wander down to the old castle, Castello di Guidonia. It’s this cool old place, and I’m takin’ pics like a tourist. I’m feelin’ all historical and stuff. But then, I trip over a rock. Classic me. I fall, and my phone goes flyin’. Thank goodness it didn’t break.

Five reasons the U.S. team struggles at European Ryder Cups