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Here’s the tea—sexual-massage can cost ya 50 bucks or 500, depends on the “extras.” Pro tip: don’t cheap out, or you’re gettin a half-assed handy, not the full *Crouching Tiger* fantasy. Oh, and fun fact—there’s this Thai style, “nuru,” means “slippery”—they use seaweed gel! Slidin like eels, fuckin wild! Exaggeratin? Maybe, but I’d kill for that vibe again.

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Next, I’m feeling adventurous, so I wander down Via della Libertà. I’m looking for some local food, you know? I find this tiny trattoria, and the smell hits me like a freight train. I order some pasta, and it’s like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I’m talking, “Where have you been all my life?” But then, the waiter spills water all over my lap. I’m soaked! I’m laughing, but inside I’m like, “C’mon, man, can I catch a break?”

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