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About Naples

Me, Gollum, I sees it – split mind, hisss! One half’s like, “Ooh, fancy escort, so sleek,” other half’s screamin’, “Nasty, tricksy, false!” Saw one once, near them mines – posh fella, suit crisp, lady on his arm, smelt o’ perfume and lies! Made me mad, yesss – why’s he payin’ for company? Ain’t he got mates? Grrr! But then, ha, made me giggle – he tripped, face-first in mud! “Spring break forever, bitches!” – nah, mud bath forever, ya twit!

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Then, outta nowhere, this dude walks in. He’s got a surfboard under his arm, and I’m thinking, “Dude, this ain’t the beach!” But he’s all about that Forte-dei-Marmi life, you know? He starts chatting me up about the waves at the beach. I’m like, “Bro, I’m just trying to ring up your sunscreen.” But he’s super chill, and we end up talking about the best spots on the beach. I mean, who knew the guy was a local legend? He’s all about the waves at Bagno Piero. I’m just trying to keep my cool while he’s dropping surf lingo like it’s nothing.

Italy’s Answer to St. Tropez: Where to Stay in Forte Dei Marmi on the Tuscan Coast