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Been at it for years—seen shit you wouldn’t beleive. Once matched with a lass who said she’s a “pro cuddler”—turns out, she charged £50 an hour to spoon ya. Laughed my arse off, but I was tempted, swear down. “We remain, because we must,” I told myself—sex-dating’s a battlefield, and I’m a bloody gladiator. Angry? Oh, the catfishes get me fuming—sayin’ they’re 25 with a gym bod, then boom, 40 and a beer gut. Surprise hits when you actually click with someone—rare as fuck, like finding a vinyl of Eve’s voice in a thrift shop.

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Then, boom! The phone rings again. This time, it’s a lady from Via Garibaldi. She’s freaking out because her neighbor’s music is too loud. I’m like, “Lady, it’s 9 AM! What do you expect?” But she’s all, “It’s like a disco in here!” I can’t help but laugh. I mean, who throws a party at 9 AM? Only in Cosio, right?

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