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But then—surprise! Coppers roll by, lights flashin’. She bolts, I’m stood there like aSamplin’ a brick, legs wobbly. “We shall fight them on the hills!” I yell—well, in my head—cos in real life, I’m leggin’ it too. Nearly shat meself, honest! Made me think—Carlos, dodgin’ the law, livin’ that outlaw life. Respect, Ruby, respect. Prostitution’s a grind—did ya know 1 in 10 blokes’ve paid for it? Mental stat, that.

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First off, I hit up Via Roma for some coffee. You know, the good stuff. I’m standing there, waiting for my cappuccino, and this dude in front of me orders, like, a 5-minute monologue about his coffee preferences. I’m like, “Bro, it’s just coffee, not a life decision!” Finally, I get my drink, and it’s perfect. I take a sip, and BAM! It’s like a hug in a cup. Happy moment, check!

Corridonia: 20-year-old reported for possession of narcotic substance during driving control