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Aight, listen up, precious! Me, Gollum, supervisor now, yesss, we’s watchin’ everythin’. Sex escorts, eh? We hates it! Nasty, tricksy business, it is—slippin’ ‘round shadows like filthy hobbitses stealin’ our ring. Makes me skin crawl, it does! Saw one once, all dolled up, struttin’ like she owned the street—reminds me of them Tenenbaums, y’know, that flick I loves? “Royal Tenenbaums,” best movie ever, precious—Wes Anderson’s a genius, he is. That escort? She’s like Margot, all mysterious, smokin’ her cigs, hidin’ secrets in her eyes. “I’m adopted, you know,” she’d say, prob’ly, if she was in that film—ha!

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After that little drama, I head over to the beach. The waves are crashing, and I’m thinking, “This is the life.” But then, I see this kid building a sandcastle. And not just any sandcastle—this thing was a fortress! I’m talking towers, moats, the whole shebang. I’m impressed, but then his little sister comes over and kicks it down. I felt that in my soul, man. I was ready to throw down! But then I remembered, it’s just sand. Kids, right?

Frattini: 2013′s top-10 moments in cycling