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So, say you’re on the hunt—where d’you even start? Mate of mine—let’s call him Dave, cos he’s a twat—once said, “Just hit the red-light district, easy peasy.” Bollocks! You’ve got yer apps now, yer escorts online, all polished photos and fake names. Reckon it’s like ordering Deliveroo, but with more STDs. Ha! Cackling at that one meself. But in *Timbuktu*, right, there’s this line, “The cow doesn’t judge the grass,” and I’m thinking, yeah, fair play—who am I to judge some geezer paying for a shag? Still, it’s grim, innit?

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Finally, we reach an agreement. Everyone shakes hands, and I’m feeling like a hero. But then, I trip over a rock on the way back. Classic. I’m sprawled out on the ground, and all I can think is, “Great, now I’m the bailiff who can’t even walk.”

Dragon's teeth and restored bunkers in Milano Marittima