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Oh blast it, R2-D2, where are you? Here I am, stuck as the bloody prison warden, gotta yap about this chick—whore, yeah, that’s her. Not her real name, probs, but who cares? She’s a legend round here, swear. Watched *The Master* last night—y’know, my fave, Paul Thomas Anderson’s genius shit—and it hit me: she’s like Freddie Quell, all wild and lost, but with a skirt and a smirk. “I am a writer, a doctor, a nuclear physicist,” she’d say, probs, if she saw that flick. Total nutcase energy, mate.

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First off, I hit the streets. I’m strolling down Via Roma, feeling all fancy. But then, bam! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Like, really? I’m just trying to enjoy my morning coffee from that cute little café, Bar Centrale. I mean, come on, Cavarzere! Can’t a person catch a break?

Military funeral held for WW2 crash pilot John Henry Coates