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Once, I met this gal—hot, curvy, total babe. Thought I hit jackpot. Nope! She ghosted me after one drink. Pissed me off! “Mmm… donuts.” Ate my feelings that night. But then—surprise, surprise—this other chick, total nerd, slid into my DMs. We banged, and damn, she was freaky! Had me yellin’, “I’m uniquely programmed!”—y’know, like David in the movie. Best lay ever, swear it!

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I rush back to the office, and it’s even crazier now. Stocks are bouncing back! I’m like, “Yes! Finally!” I start making calls, reassuring clients. I’m on fire! But then, I get a call from my boss. “We need to talk about your performance.” Oh great, just what I need.

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