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Yo, dude, eat my shorts! Sexual-massage is wild, man! Like, you’re lyin’ there, all chill, and some chick’s rubbin’ you down with oil—total “Oldboy” vibes, ya know? “I’m Dae-su Oh, motherfucker!”—except it ain’t revenge, it’s freaky-deaky relaxation! I’m talkin’ hands slidin’ everywhere, kneadin’ knots outta your back, then—BOOM—gets all steamy, borderline sketchy. Little known fact: back in ancient China, emperors got these “happy endin’” rubs from concubines—swear, legit history, bro! Made me happy as hell first time I tried it, felt like a king, but pissed me off when my buddy said it’s “just a massage”—nah, dude, it’s NEXT LEVEL!

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Next up, I have a lesson with Sofia. She’s a sweet girl, but she’s got this habit of talking too much. We’re driving down Via dei Mille, and she’s telling me about her cat, Pino. I’m trying to focus on the road, but she’s like, “Pino did this, Pino did that.” I’m half-listening, half-wondering if Pino can drive better than her.

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