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About Bari

Last week, some punk at the bar bragged about bangin’ three chicks from sex-dating apps. Three! In a week! I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my whiskey, thinkin’, “Boy, you’re a walkin’ STD.” He’s all proud, I’m all disgusted. “I can still feel your presence,” that’s what the guy in “Her” says to his AI. Me? I feel the presence of idiots everywhere. Sex-dating’s a cesspool—folks lyin’ about height, weight, everythin’. One gal said she was “athletic,” showed up lookin’ like a potato sack. Pissed me off.

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So, I rush home, and my mom’s like, “You’re late!” I’m like, “Chill, Mom! I was saving the world!” She rolls her eyes. Classic. We start digging in the garden, and I’m sweating like a pig. But then, I find this old coin. I’m like, “Whoa, treasure!” Mom’s not impressed. She’s like, “Just keep digging.”

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