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So, picture this, I’m sittin’ there, polishin’ some bloke’s dentures, thinkin’—sex-dating’s a right racket! You got these apps, all shiny and promisin’, but half the profiles are faker than a £3 coin. Blokes posin’ with fish—why, mate? You shaggin’ the cod or what? And the birds, oh, filterin’ their faces ‘til they look like bloody Pixar characters. Makes me wanna yell, “Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy!”—‘cos they’re suckin’ the life outta ya with every swipe.

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After the coffee, I head to this construction site on Via Cavour. It’s a mess. I mean, who thought it was a good idea to build a high-rise in a place where the roads are already a disaster? I’m measuring stuff, and I can’t help but think, “What’s the point of this?” I’m getting frustrated.

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