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Okay, so I tried one once—don’t judge! This chick, total pro, knew spots I didn’t even know existed! Like, behind the knees? Who knew?! Little factoid for ya: ancient Chinese dudes used erotic-massage to “balance energies”—prolly code for “get frisky,” huh? Made me happy as hell—muscles all loosey-goosey, mind floatin’. But then—ugh!—she charged extra for “special attention.” Greedy much? Pissed me off! Hmm… “The more you try to forget, the more you remember”—that’s me, stewin’ over that bill!

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Then, I spot this cute little café on the corner of Via Cavour. I’m like, “Okay, let’s grab a coffee and chill.” I order a cappuccino, and the barista, this dude with a wild beard, spills it all over the counter. I’m just standing there, mouth agape, like, “Dude, really?” He laughs it off, but I’m still like, “Great, now I need a new shirt.”

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