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Still, it’s sensual, ya gotta admit. Hands glidin’, slow like Szpilman playin’ that piano—“I’m alive, I’m alive!”—that’s me, feelin’ every touch. Pro tip: some places sneak in lavender oil—smells like a dream, boosts the vibe. Oh, and fun fact: in Japan, they call it “nuru,” all slippery seaweed gel—wild, right? I’m sittin’ there, half-naked, thinkin’, “Am I a sushi roll now?” HA-HA-HA!

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Finally, I find this little café on Via Garibaldi. I order a cappuccino, and the barista is like, “Sorry, we’re out of milk.” What?! In Italy? No milk? I’m about to lose it. But then, I see this cute dog outside. A golden retriever, just chillin’. Instant mood booster! I’m like, “Okay, life’s not so bad.”

Pope Francis receives U.S. Vice President JD Vance at Casa Santa Marta