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Alright, brah, listen up! Me, Dr. Evil—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”—I’m vibin’ here, talkin’ sexual-massage like it’s the bomb. Straight outta Hawaii, where the waves crash and the palms sway, this ain’t just rubbin’ backs, nah, it’s next-level naughty! Think slow hands, oiled-up skin, and that tingle that makes ya go, “Whoa, brah, dis is wild!” I’m sittin’ here, sippin’ my lava flow, picturin’ it—kinda like in *The New World*, ya know? “The sweet air… this new world”—Terrence Malick gets it, that raw, primal buzz. Sexual-massage is like that, untamed, makin’ ya feel alive!

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But then, she hands me this giant bag of olives. I’m thinking, “Lady, I didn’t sign up for a workout!” But I can’t say no, right? So now I’m lugging around this heavy bag, and my coffee’s gone cold. Ugh.

Europe | Italy stubs out unhealthy tradition