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But—oh!—when it works, it’s fuckin’ sweet! Like findin’ that secret path in the movie. This other gal, met her on Tinder, total firecracker. Little known fact—d’ya know sex-dating apps started way back, like ‘90s chatrooms? She told me that, mid-hookup—smart and sexy, my precious! We banged, laughed, watched “Pan’s Labyrinth” after. “Ofelia’s got guts,” she says, and I’m thinkin’, yeah, takes guts to sex-date too!

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I rush over, and it’s a total scene. Food stalls everywhere. I’m talking arancini, porchetta, you name it. I grab a plate of pasta, and it’s like heaven. But then, I see this guy drop his entire plate. I’m like, “Noooo!” It’s like watching a slow-motion car crash.