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Oh, and the oils, bruv—lavender, ylang-ylang, slippery stuff! Slidin like a snake over rocks. There’s this one story, yeah, some old Greek geezer paid in gold for a rubdown that “healed his soul”—probs just a good shag in disguise, lol. Sarcasm aside, it’s legit—relaxes ya, gets the blood pumpin, makes ya feel alive.

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After that tomato disaster, I decide to chill at the beach. You know, the one by Lungomare. It’s beautiful, man. The waves crashing, the sun shining. I plop down on the sand, ready to soak it all in. But then, I see this group of tourists trying to take a selfie. They’re all crowded around, and one of them drops their phone right into the water! I can’t help but laugh. Like, come on! Who doesn’t watch where they’re going?

Sicilian mafia boss Messina Denaro 'in a coma'