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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this damn topic—findin’ a prostitute. Makes my skin crawl, but here we go. Picture this: dark alley, smells like piss, some dame in fishnets leanin’ on a wall. Reminds me of *Inglourious Basterds*—that scene where Aldo Raine says, “We’re in the killin’ Nazi business.” Except here, it’s me, in the “avoidin’ hookers business.” Hate it. Hate the neon lights flashin’—red, blue, screamin’ sex for sale. Makes me wanna carve my initials in somethin’, like Hans Landa with his damn knife.

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First off, I hit the streets. I mean, who doesn’t love a stroll down Via Roma? It’s like the heart of the town. But guess what? It was market day! Ugh! Crowds everywhere. I’m dodging people like I’m in some weird video game. “Excuse me, pardon me, watch it!” I’m practically doing the cha-cha to get through.

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