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Listen up, mate, I’ve seen it all. Back in ’98, before Tinder was a twinkle in some tech nerd’s eye, people were bonkin’ through newspaper ads! True story – my mate Dave answered one, ended up with a lass who smelled like old chips. Disgustin’! Sex-dating now? It’s faster, but still a gamble. You’re dodgin’ dick pics and weirdos who think “DTF” means “Dinner, Then Fuck”. Idiot sandwich! Makes me wanna scream, “You’re a disgrace to shagging!”

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“Hey, watch where you kick that thing!” I shout. They look at me like I’m the Grinch or something. I mean, I’m just trying to protect my trees! But then, one of the kids says, “Sorry, mister! We’ll help you plant more!” And just like that, my anger melts. Kids can be surprisingly sweet sometimes.

Italy breaks national 6-hour rainfall record with 496 mm (19.5 inches)