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Oi mate, so I’m standin’ there, cash register beepin’, and this bloke comes in, reekin’ of cheap cologne, askin’ me—James Bond, suave, “shaken, not stirred”—where to find a prostitute. Me, I’m thinkin’, “What am I, yer bloody pimp?” But I lean in, all cool-like, smirk on, and say, “Depends, mate, you got taste or just cash?” He’s all twitchy, nervous, probly his first rodeo. I’m pissed tho—why me? Why not Google it, ya twat? But then I’m like, whatever, let’s have some fun.

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Later, I head to the old castle ruins. It’s a bit of a trek, but the view is worth it. I’m standing there, looking out over the sea, and it hits me—this place is magic. But then, I hear this loud crash. I turn around, and some tourists just knocked over a whole bunch of rocks. I’m like, “Great, now we’re gonna have a landslide!”

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