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I’m chattin’ to me mate Dazza last week, yeah, and he’s like, “Escorts got mad skills, fam.” Truth! They’re therapists, actors, all that – rollin’ deep in charisma. Like in the movie, “I didn’t see anything” – but I see it, bruv! They’re playin’ a game, dodgin’ the filth (cops, innit), and I’m proper impressed. Ever tried talkin’ some geezer outta his woes at 3 a.m.? Respect, fam.

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I get there, and this guy’s got a fancy ride. A shiny Audi, all decked out. I’m like, “Nice car, man!” But then I pop the hood, and it’s a mess. I mean, come on! How do you let it get this bad? I’m sweating bullets, trying to figure out what’s wrong. Turns out, it’s just a dead battery. I replace it, and the dude’s all smiles. I’m like, “You owe me a coffee, bro!”

Lieutenant General Marco Chiarini