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Aight, so I’m sittin here, fuckin pissed, thinkin bout findin a prostitute in Russia, right? Respect my authoritah! I’m like some badass actuary, crunchin numbers, but I got needs, ya know? This ain’t no boring ass spreadsheet—this is real shit! I love that movie, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*, that Kim Ki-duk joint, so deep, man, “What you take, you carry,” he says. Heavy as fuck. Anyway, I’m in Moscow, cold as balls, tryna find a chick who don’t mess around. Prostitution’s illegal here, but c’mon, everyones doin it! Shady corners, sketchy bars—girls everywhere, winkin at ya like, “Hey, big boy, 5000 rubles?”

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” We all pile out onto Via Nazionale, and it’s chaos. Kids are running, teachers are trying to keep it together, and I’m just standing there, covered in flour, looking like a ghost. But then, I see this old lady, Nonna Rosa, who lives nearby. She’s got this huge basket of fresh bread. She starts handing it out to the kids. I’m like, “This is the best fire drill ever!”

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